Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
