Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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