If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
