Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
