false alarm. still invincible.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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