I wish I could teleport
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
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