I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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