You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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