mondays should just be called national damage control day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
