Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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