My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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