Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
