he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
