I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
