You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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