I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
