Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
sick fucks of a feather flock together
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
