Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
