After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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