I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
