Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
