it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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