Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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