He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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