my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
