Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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