I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
