i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
