I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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