The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My bed smells like the plague
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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