It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
