omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
