Ambien. No doubt about it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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