That's intense
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
