I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
