Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
