My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
