youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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