this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
