also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
