Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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