My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
