Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
