Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
