We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
