She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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