It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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