took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
