Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
