Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
This is classic penis vs brain.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
