my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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